Homei will start off the jokes :)
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i will start off the jokes :)
GLR xGlitch Itx Tue Aug 21, 2012 9:32 am
Well doctors always say you need your 5 a day, so for the next week im going to try and give you that 
Joke number 1
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead
Joke number 2
A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first
Joke number 3
3 Irishmen in a bar. Murphy says "My local's better than this. In my local, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd's free" Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1drink you get the 2nd free" Paddy says, "That's nothin'. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get a shag. "WOW," says the other two. "Has that actually happened to you?". "No," says Paddy, "But it happened to my sister."
Joke number 4
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his guidedog in the ass."
Joke number 5
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
Joke number 1
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead
Joke number 2
A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first
Joke number 3
3 Irishmen in a bar. Murphy says "My local's better than this. In my local, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd's free" Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1drink you get the 2nd free" Paddy says, "That's nothin'. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get a shag. "WOW," says the other two. "Has that actually happened to you?". "No," says Paddy, "But it happened to my sister."
Joke number 4
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his guidedog in the ass."
Joke number 5
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
GLR xGlitch Itx- Posts : 45
Join date : 2012-08-14
Age : 33
Location : N. Ireland
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